


Let Go

by littlealex



Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-14
Updated: 2009-09-14
Packaged: 2017-10-12 07:19:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/122322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlealex/pseuds/littlealex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nino has a simple question, but it's shorthand for something  much more complex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Go

Nino's voice cuts through the still night air as a cool whisper of breeze tickles across their skin. Ohno blinks his eyes open and looks down at the outline of Nino's naked body curled up against his, skin shining in the moonlight. It's dark in their hotel room and the post-concert adrenaline rush has been washed out of their systems with feverish touches and intense orgasms, and Ohno's body is winding down for a well-deserved rest. In these quiet moments, however, Ohno knows that Nino's mind switches on, processes things and works away at problems or creates them, so he'll stay awake a while longer.

"Do what?" Ohno replies, fingers trailing up the cooling skin over Nino's spine.

"Performing for so many people. How can you stand it? Everyone looking at you all at once?"

Ohno briefly wonders how Nino has survived the last ten years of their career not being entirely comfortable performing for a crowd, but he lets it slide. Nino has a habit of taking his time to uncover what he's actually trying to say.

"I don't really think about it," Ohno replies after a moment, fingers circling as they massage lightly across Nino's shoulder muscles, which are tense with thinking. "When I step back, I see a sea of people, but all I see is the ocean. Expansive and infinite, but not overwhelming. When I step closer, I look each person in the eyes as I wave. They deserve it."

"But you can't look at everyone," Nino says, and the tone in his voice is slightly plaintive as he says it, not exasperated or dismissive, and Ohno smiles to himself. At least he got his point got across.

"I can't. But I can't ignore everyone either."

Silence stretches between them for a moment, and Ohno wonders if that means the conversation is over. He waits patiently for another question, tugging the sheets up over Nino's shoulders in the meantime. Nino rustles, but doesn't say anything, splaying his fingers over Ohno's side and scrunching up his features against Ohno's chest.

"I can't do it," Nino says after a while, voice muffled against Ohno's skin, though Ohno can hear he's deliberately mumbling. "I can't look people in the eye. There's too many of them and it makes my head spin."

Ohno furrows his brow as his casts his mind back over the hundreds of concerts they've done, all the times he's seen Nino smiling and waving at the crowd; Nino must be lying. "But I've seen you," he says, feeling a little ineffectual.

Nino shakes his head silently, and Ohno can feel Nino's eyes flutter closed against his skin. "My eyes don't focus. I don't look at anyone, really. Just smile and wave. I can't... it's too much."

Ohno nods silently, letting his fingers thread through Nino's hair as he considers what to say. He knows what Nino is talking about. It's easier to see the ocean instead of examining every drop of water, because getting involved feels a little like drowning. But Ohno couldn't live without it. The rush of knowing he'd gotten through to someone was crucial to the whole experience; without it, he may as well be performing on television.

"I don't want to feel that much," Nino whispers, and his fingers curl against Ohno's side as the tension in his shoulders rises and Ohno can almost feel the way he's trying to hold himself together, clutching all the pieces of himself he can grasp. Ohno wonders if Nino will let himself cry. "I know you all do it. You open your eyes and your hearts and let it all in, Aiba lets in so much it fills him up and he cries about it, for fuck's sake." Nino's voice is trembling with the force of holding everything inside and Ohno wonders if Nino realizes it would be less painful to let go. "I can't, though." He sounds determined, but Ohno can hear the cracks in his resolve. "I'm scared."

A piece of Ohno's heart breaks at the hushed confession, and he wraps his arm tighter around Nino's shoulders. He can feel tears leaking through Nino's closed eyes, hot saline trickling over his skin, and he nudges the sheets away again to allow Nino some air. What hurts more than having to feel Nino's shoulders shake and hear his breath hitch is knowing that there's nothing he can say to make it better. Instead, he tugs Nino closer, one hand pressed to his cheek as the other strokes slowly but firmly over Nino's back, and turns to press light kisses to Nino's forehead.

Ohno has always known that Nino holds back. He holds back with everything he does, because giving his heart over to something as unpredictable as life is dangerous. Nino wants a guarantee on the return for his efforts, wants it in writing and signed in triplicate, but life doesn't offer that. The only things Nino trusts is sleep and the members of Arashi. Everything else is subject to less than his full ability, lest they run off with his time, energy, or heart.

Ohno has also always known that holding back hurts Nino as much as he thinks it helps. Without putting everything into something, Nino guarantees disappointing himself with less than one hundred percent return. It wears him down in small ways, and everyone can see when he's annoyed or doesn't want to be there, but this is bigger. Ten years of water torture has broken down his defenses and there's nothing Ohno can do but hold him as he cries.

But then he realizes that beneath his fingertips, he can still feel the buzz of Nino's last-ditch efforts to hold himself together. Nino's crying, but it's quiet, and if Ohno can imagine the magnitude of what's beneath it all, there aren't enough tears. Nino can't even trust his own tears enough to let them flow.

"Hey," Ohno says, breaking the silence. "Let go." Nino's fingers loosen their grip over Ohno's sides and Ohno shakes his head, shifting out from beneath Nino and lining his face up with Nino's contorted one. "No, I mean. Let go." And he moves one hand to rest on Nino's bare chest, right over his heart, and Nino doesn't need to ask what that means.

It takes a while, but Ohno waits patiently with his fingers against Nino's chest, and it eventually happens. The tears flow faster and wetter, the hiccups turn to sobs, and Ohno can feel the pounding of Nino's heart, full of so much that it breaks, unmistakeable beneath his hand. Nino breaks, and Ohno pulls him close. Nino curls up in Ohno's arms on reflex, holding on but not clinging, as he lets himself be taken over by the torrent of tears and emotions crashing over him that Ohno can practically feel on Nino's skin.

It doesn't take long for Nino to be spent, and for that Ohno is grateful. The tears dry up and the sobbing slows back to shivering intakes of breath, and Nino is left a quivering mess, face wet and fingers clenched in fists but practically unconscious. He's relaxed, now, practically a dead weight with all the exhaustion he's never let himself feel, and Ohno bundles him up silently, tugs him back into their usual sleeping position, and pulls the sheets back over Nino's shoulders.

"Thank you," Nino mumbles, so quietly Ohno almost doesn't hear it, before sleep consumes him and his weight settles heavily over Ohno's body.

It's the first time Nino has fallen asleep before Ohno, and the thought makes Ohno smile. Maybe next time, Nino will remember just how much of a relief it can be to let everything in rather than keeping it all at bay.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write fluff, and this is what I got. Highly unedited and terribly titled, but I needed to get it out of my system.


End file.
